Overcoming the Pursuer Withdrawer Dance

We’ve spent the past few weeks exploring attachment and various habitual ways of responding. You now know what that looks like, hallmarks of both pursuing and withdrawing behavior, and how all of those develop from childhood and remain impactful through adulthood.

Today we’re getting into the “now what”.

How do you change your habitual way of responding? How do you make it work for you rather than against you?

To put it simply, you have to create a compromise in the ways that you typically respond. It’s not that suddenly the pursuer gives all of the space and never brings and issue back up. It’s also not that withdrawers have to be immediately available for the pursuer to be connected with.

For both partners you have to stretch your distress tolerance. Pursuers have to become willing to provide some space for their withdrawing partner to come back down to baseline. Withdrawers have to be willing to return to their pursuing partner and revisit the issue that brought tension in the first place.

It sounds easy, but we all know that changing our behavior, especially behaviors motivated by big fears, is really hard. This is where your own coping skills (which we’ll be visiting next week!) really come into play.

In a time of peace and calm, have a conversation about your needs in an argument. Agree to call for a pause or a break when you feel yourself becoming emotionally aroused and noticing that the conversation is escalating to a place that it’s no longer effective. Agree during this time of peace how long your pauses are going to be (research calls for 20 minutes to calm down, that’s assuming that you’re not playing over the argument in your head and building your return argument, I tend to suggest about an hour, but this can change couple to couple).

PURSUERS, DURING THAT TIME-this is key- go do something else. Don’t set a timer. Don’t sit outside of the room where your partner is letting them know that you’re waiting them out. Don’t check in before the agreed upon time has passed. Those are all still ways to pursue in subtle ways. Go do something to self-soothe, unrelated to your partner or the issue at hand.

WITHDRAWERS, DURING THAT TIME- go do something else. Don’t pull away more. Don’t continue shutting down. Don’t threaten to leave and never come back. Those are still subtle withdrawing behaviors. Do something to self-soothe, unrelated to your partner or the issue at hand.

PURSUERS AND WITHDRAWERS- during that time, while you’re soothing yourself, explore your vulnerable feelings. What is it that you are responding to in the interaction. How can you express your vulnerable feelings? How can you take responsibility for what is holding you both in this pattern?

When you reconnect, share your vulnerable feelings and what it is that you feel you’re truly responding to.

Feel free to repeat this pattern as many times as you need to until you’re able to either solve- or agree to disagree, around this issue.