Preserving Your Relationships As Your Parents Age
We started our discussion on parental aging in our previous post which explored the feelings that you as a child of aging parents might be feeling. Today, we’re continuing that discussion with concrete things that you can do to enter into that stage of your life while preserving the relationships that you have with your parents. Like we discussed last week, there is a sort of universality in navigating parental aging. Many people will end up navigating this change in their family system at some point. Despite this, most of us are ill-prepared to navigate this once it’s happening and when it is handled poorly it has the potential to damage the family relationships involved.
The first thing to do when looking at the potential of this transition is to be proactive as possible. Have conversations around the potential changes that could come up. What do your parents want? How do they want to be treated? At what point do you all agree that additional help might bhe necessary? These things can change as your face the realities as they come, but having the proactive conversation helps all parties to know what the expectations are. As part of these proactive conversations, I would encourage you all to talk about how you want to be kept abreast of one another’s health (issues and non-issues). No one can know what kind of help might be necessary if information is kept hidden. This can be as simple as a handshake agreement to fill one another in after serious doctor’s appointments or go as far as setting the stage to be a healthcare proxy and obtaining powers of attorney. Doing this proactively allows for it to be a collaborative conversation and for everyone’s fears, concerns, and feelings to be heard before it is an emergency situation.
Secondly, always remember to treat your parents like the adults that they are. Yes, they may need more assistance. Yes, some of that assistance can be reminiscent of the help that a toddler may need (dressing, toileting, feeding). And Yes, they are still adults and are deserving to be treated as such. A big fear around aging is loss of autonomy and loss of dignity. When you are providing assistance you can either help those fears be realized or help those fears be abated. Part of treating your parents like adults is not imposing your will on them. They have agency and they have free will. They may be asking you for something that you do not agree with and as extraordinarily difficult as that may be, that has to be respected.
Next, Pick. Your. Battles. You’re providing help and assistance, you’re not creating perfection. Going back to that idea of not imposing your will is choosing what is and is not important to push with your parents. If you’re picking every single behavior as one to be argued over, that’s a quick road to broken relationships. Decide which things are the most impactful for both of you. For example, what someone eats for breakfast is potentially much less impactful than someone taking their medication appropriately. Put your energy into the parts that matter. That also helps to preserve your parent’s agency and autonomy.
Finally, be sensitive and connect over feelings. Recognize that this can be hard. Connect over the idea that this is an unfamiliar part of your relationship with one another. Acknowledge that some of the decisions being made are ones that they likely never had input into before and adjusting can be really annoying and feel like your choices are being removed from you. Access your empathy to help keep from becoming too preachy or too parental to your parent.
While these steps can sound simple, when you’re in it with your aging parent, they can be challenging to access. Ensure that you’re getting support and taking care of your own emotions during this process. This can include conferring with professionals, going to therapy to process your feelings, sharing responsibility with siblings, and making space for fun with your parents.