Premarital Conversations: Sex
A colleague once shared with me that most couples end up coming to therapy to deal with the management of three things- 1. The management of time. 2. The management of money. 3. The management of sex.
This week, we’re focusing on that third topic and some conversations to have before you’re married. As a disclaimer-sex is an incredibly complex topic for many couples and this blog post will not be able to dig into all of the ways and all of the things that can come up around sex for most couples so I have narrowed it down to three arenas.
1. Communication about sex and sexuality. This is probably the most difficult of the three arenas I outlined. We’re not taught explicitly how to communicate around sex in the United States. There are a ton of sociocultural reasons for that, but for simplicity’s sake, let’s just go with- there are a lot of reasons why we’re bad at it. And it’s sad that we’re bad at it! It’s a big part of many romantic relationships- for many it’s the major thing that separates them from platonic relationships. So this conversation is a little bit meta, but it’s talking about talking about sex. What feels safe for you in the conversation? How do you feel comfortable, connected, and trusting when you’re giving or denying consent? Where do you think you fall on a spectrum of sexuality? What is an enthusiastic yes? How can you talk about the times you have felt rejected to keep that from coming between you?
2. Frequency- The second arena is around frequency. Having mismatched libidos in relationships is not remotely uncommon. Having a conversation around how often you’d like to have sex is probably a good place to start to keep that from becoming an issue for you (by the way, research has shown that sexual encounters once a week between a couple help to keep sex top of mind for couples without there being too much stress, anxiety, or pressure to perform). A subsection of this conversation is probably also around how you guys feel about scheduling sex versus spontaneous sex and how that connects with your desires around frequency.
3. Preference- What do you like? There are as many preferences, sexually speaking, as there are people on the planet. How do you talk to your partner about what you enjoy and what you don’t enjoy? How do you remove the pressure to not hurt their feelings while maintaining a satisfying sex life?
If you and your partner are having difficulty navigating your sex life, like many other topics, I definitely recommend that you bring in a professional. Additionally, I would recommend that you seek out an AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) certified therapist. If you’re in New York and you’re having trouble finding an AASECT certified counselor, send me an email, I’d be happy to provide some recommendations.