The Relationship Dance
Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, and therapist describes every relationship as a dance. Bringing up images of tango, she has identified three specific dances that relationships can commonly fall into, particularly around tension, and how each partner is responsible for the steps that they take and the steps that they take in relation to their partner’s. Each relationship dance seeks to avoid feeling hurt, rejected, or alone. But what happens in each of these dances is that the solution becomes the problem and the dance ends up creating more hurt, more feelings of rejection, and more loneliness. The good news is that you do not have to stay here. As we walk through the steps of each dance, we’ll explore how to identify your own dance, the vulnerable feelings you’re both experiencing, and how to take ownership for your part and change your own moves.
The first of the common relationship dances is called Find The Bad Guy. This is characterized by mutual attack by each partner when it comes to conflict. This is a HOT argument. Think passion, think attack, think push and pull. It feels like war with each partner hurling what they feel will hurt most at their partner. It increasingly escalates to a fever pitch. Both partners are vying for control. The tone of the argument (what Dr. Johnson terms the “emotional music”) is that of hostile criticism. Both partners are trying to take the moral high ground showing that they’re not the bad guy, you are. No one feels good after this.
The second dance will sound familiar as it’s rooted in the pursue/withdraw dynamic we explored earlier on the blog. It’s called the Protest Polka. This is characterized by the demand/withdraw dynamic. This argument can be heated though not as hot as Find the Bad Guy. If you were to watch this interaction it often involves one partner criticizing and prodding their partner seeking a response while the other emotionally shuts down. It’s important to know that the emotional music is such that both partners are moved out of relationship equilibrium and into loneliness and rejection. As each partner tries to regain connection, the conversation can quickly spiral. If you were to see this on the metaphorical dance floor you might see the classic box step, one partner steps forward while at the very same time the other partner steps back. While one partner is seeking to be soothed by closeness, the other is seeking to be soothed by space.
The final dance is called Flight and Freeze. This is not typically a primary interaction that couples fall into but after time in either of the previous two interactions they can move into this. This is categorized by feelings of tension followed by avoidance. The tone of this dialogue is extremely hopeless. Both partners feel like connection is impossible and they no longer try. Rather than attending to the relationship, the relationship no longer feels safe and both partners retreat into themselves. This is the most damaging demon dialogue as it is the precursor to ultimately letting the relationship go. On the dance floor these partners are absent. You might find each of them in a different corner staring at their shoes, unable to join one another.
Regardless of which partner you identify with in any of these dance scenarios, the name of the game when it comes to changing the dance into something that feels more fluid and more connected is emotion regulation. Take stock of the vulnerable emotions that are motivating your behavior in this relationship dance. Oftentimes, the emotion is related to others seeing you for who you are and deciding it is not worth it to stay. You job is to soothe those feelings. If you’re able to soothe those feelings and potentially share those feelings, you allow the dance to change. You come to your partner rather than at your partner and the behavior associated with your feelings ceases to be a threat to your partner. They can move toward you as well.
Sometimes it is really scary to risk being vulnerable with your partner. Sometimes it’s hard to get to those vulnerable feelings when you’re acting from emotion. If you find yourself participating in a relationship dance that is no longer working for you and you want to change your steps, click the button below and let’s start exploring your vulnerable feelings and helping you feel safe to share them.