Setting Boundaries with In-laws

One of the most common things that comes up in both individual therapy and couples therapy is issues with a partner’s family of origin. In law issues are not new. There are literally thousands of sitcom episodes centering on this very thing. They can be tricky to navigate though. This week we’re going to talk about the ways that some of these show up and ways that they can be managed while preserving your relationships.

While there are plenty of nightmare inlaw stories out there, by and large, most families are trying to feel connected and are not trying to piss you off.

This is not to say that there may not be mis-steps along the way or unintended hurt feelings, but again, most of the time everyone is trying to navigate the path of adding someone (or being added) to a family.

Many times the varying expectations of all the different members involved can be managed with appropriate boundary setting.

Let me be very clear here, boundaries are not set in order to be punitive. Boundaries are not set to strong arm someone into doing what you want. Boundaries are not set in order to to be retaliatory.

Boundaries ARE set to help define to others how they can have a positive relationship with you. Boundaries ARE set in order to help you live a life that aligns with your desires and values. Boundaries ARE set to avoid burnout.

SO how do you do this when it comes to your partner’s loved ones? Well, first, a conversation with your partner is imperative. You need to figure out together how you want your life to feel and what that means with respect to your families of origin.

Maybe it’s important to you guys that you have privacy. So maybe a boundary that you set is that family needs to give a heads up before coming over.

Maybe it’s important to you guys that your finances are just between the two of you. So maybe the boundary that you set it that finances are not conversation for public consumption.

Maybe you guys are really busy and being able to reconnect as a couple or your shared immediate family on the weekends is important to you. Maybe the boundary that you set is that you go over and hang out with families of origin every other week or once a month.

Your boundaries as a couple should flow from your shared values.

How might you set these?

This is the tough part for many people. They’re worried that people will be upset or angry. They’re worried that they’ll be disappointing. They don’t want to have the fight that feels like will inevitably follow.

More often than not, it will be better coming from the partner for whom it is THEIR family of origin. (so everyone navigates and shares the news with their own parents and siblings).

Accept that sometimes it’s going to be frustrating for the receiving party to hear what you have to say. They might be bummed at the decision that you made. That’s okay. That’s no insurmountable. That’s not going to cost you your relationship.

Assume positive intent. Again, your inlaws are not typically asking you to do things because they want to bother you. Families are not often making decisions to annoy you. Families are not regularly trying to make your life harder.

Emphasize what you ARE able to do. Ex: We won’t be able to come over this weekend. It looks like Easter is going to be a good option though, does that work for you?

Offer an alternative. If going to a specific event doesn’t feel good for you, offer an alternative that serves the need of connection (the need most regularly bid for). If a conversation doesn’t feel right to you, offer a topic that feels better.

Expect that in the beginning, you will get pushback. This is an entirely new way of being! You may be maneuvering around something that has been an established habit. You may be making a decision that goes against a family’s dream of the future. It’s okay. We are all humans and we adjust.

Be kind. Again, the emphasis is on ways that this relationship CAN feel good, not a laundry list of ways that it can’t feel good.

If you guys are struggling with family of origin issues and feeling stuck in setting necessary boundaries. Click the button below and let’s get started.