Taking Risk
In many distressed relationships there is a distinct lack in the perceived ability to risk in the relationship. People feel trapped and leave their wants, needs, desires, and concerns, unspoken and thus unmet. We all have different tolerance when it comes to risk and our comfort with engaging in it and here you will learn how to become more comfortable with this necessary relationship skill.
Beginning at the beginning, what it means to risk in your relationship? When we’re talking about risking in relationships in a therapeutic sense, oftentimes, we’re referring to allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your partner and give them the opportunity to see the “real” you. Additionally, it can refer to letting go of old patterns of behavior with your partner and behaving in a different way to invite new behavior from your partner and the ability for your relationship to feel different.
Risking can feel terrifying. Most of the time, the behaviors that people are engaging in or the things that go unsaid are done out of fear. Fear that your partner won’t like the version of you that they see. Fear that not maintaining old behavioral patterns will lead everything to fall apart. Fear that the relationships will dissolve. This keeps everyone feeling uncomfortable! You’re not allowing yourself to be known and loved and the old patterns are keeping equilibrium but are certainly not optimizing the communication you’re capable of. Brains fear change and are deeply resistant, so while risk is necessary, it can take some doing to help get your brain on board.
Let’s get into the doing of how to create an environment that makes risking safer. The initial name of the game is emotion regulation. Everyone involved in the relationship is responsible for their own regulation. If you want to be someone that your partner feels safe opening up to and being their true self with, it is your job to not freak the fuck out when they risk with you. Additionally, treat your partner’s vulnerability with care. You do not have to agree with what they are saying and you can certainly ask questions to clarify and if you meet your partner with judgement do not be surprised if they do not risk with you in the future. When we’re talking about interactional cycles like pursuing and withdrawing, and your partner is risking trying something new (increasing their distress tolerance to stay present, or offering the opportunity for space), your job then becomes meeting them halfway and not taking advantage of this. If the goal is for this to strengthen your relationship and your communication skills, then your ability to respond in kind creates a safer environment to risk and encourages the behavior that you’re both saying you want to see.
Sometimes when someone takes a risk it’s obvious. For example, if your partner tends to withdraw when there is tension and you notice that during an argument, they were able to stay emotionally present with you, debrief how that felt. Check in with one another. Acknowledge the change that you saw and how that might not have been easy. Invite your partner to ask your similar questions. For both of you, explore what helped make this happen more easily so you can replicate it. Additionally, calmly explore the areas that almost kept you stuck or tried to pull you back in your old cycle. By debriefing the interaction with one another, you’re demonstrating care for your partner’s emotional wellbeing and helping to continue creating a safe environment to do this in the future.
Couples who have struggled with risk or partners who have strong feelings about people pleasing or visions of how they “should” be, may benefit from working through risk with a skilled relational therapist. Risking in a controlled environment with a professional whose job it is to help your reduce the escalation and cut through the noise to have a more impactful, meaningful, interaction, can be a great place to start. If you find yourself struggling to risk with your partner, click the button below and let’s start processing through the things keeping you stuck.