The Relationship Dance Part II

In our previous post, we started exploring interactional cycles. I framed it in the context of attachment to help connect the previous concepts that we’ve discussed here on the blog, but I left out an important point. Securely attached people get into interactional cycles as well! The reason being is that we all have habitual ways of responding in our relationships and our lives.

You may have gotten the impression that to be a pursuer or a distancer means that you must be insecurely attached and while insecure attachment can certainly inform your habitual way of responding, it is not a directly causal relationship.

Everyone in the world* has a natural tendency to move toward or away from big feelings. The extent to which you move toward or away informs whether it’s “healthy” or not.

I want to repeat this so I’m very well understood:

Moving toward or away from big feelings is not inherently unhealthy.

Identifying as a pursuer, or someone who moves toward their partner in the face of big emotions does not mean that you are bad or wrong.

Identifying as a distancer or someone who makes space from their partner in the face of big emotions does not mean that you are bad or wrong.

These experiences simply are.

What turns them from healthy to unhealthy is all in the dance that it creates with your partner and how much you each are feeling heard, understood, safe, and respected.

As always, if you feel like you and your partner could use some help understanding your habitual ways of responding and helping them work for you, give me a call! If you’re in the NYC area, I’d be happy to work with you to get you feeling more on track.