Understanding the Pursuer

Last week on the blog we talked about the interactional cycle and started exploring the pursuer/distancer or pursuer/withdrawer dynamic. The reason I’m spending so much time digging into this is because 85% of distressed couples fall into one of these two roles (the other 15% fall into a pursuer/pursuer or withdrawer/withdrawer dynamic). So today, let’s spend some time digging into the pursuer role.

What is a pursuer? What makes a pursuer? How does this come about?

A pursuer is often perceived as a person who is:

·        More reactive

·        More assertive in solving conflicts

·        More critical

·        More expressive

·        More afraid of being alone

·        More in need of reassurance

·        More fearful of being vulnerable

Yikes.

Often when I’m describing the pursuer/distancer roles to couples I’m working with, I’ll have them picture a cartoon argument wherein one partner is walking away and the other partner is literally following them through the house. The following partner represents the pursuer. This is a very unflattering picture and generally, when this kind of unflattering picture exists or these kinds of behaviors are occurring, there is typically something driving that.

So what makes a pursuer? Or rather, why do pursuers pursue?

Simply stated: connection seeking.

For people who tend to pursue, this behavior is amplified when they are experiencing or perceiving a disconnection. For pursuers, disconnection is a signal to double down on their efforts. Their internal system believes that talking about the issue is going to fix it and that sharing and understanding is the way out of distress and back to emotional safety. This doesn’t always work and partners are not always receptive to this and when it escalates, this is when pursuers can become blaming, critical, and/or pushy because they’re responding to the pain of feeling rejected when the distancing partner withdraws.

Again, because this is rooted in connection seeking, the overarching belief is that any connection, even negative connection as in a fight, is better than no connection. The fears that motivate this are fear of abandonment, feeling as though they are unlovable, that they are too much, the fear of rejection, or the fear that they’re simply not important to their partner.

So where do these fears that motivate this behavior come from?

Let’s go back a few weeks to attachment. Specifically anxious attachment. For those people who grew up with inconsistent parents, where sometimes needs were met and other times they were rejecting or simply unavailable, and anxious attachment style can develop. These children, in order to survive, felt they had to work hard to behave in a way that actively forced their parent to pay attention and meet their needs—as an adult is looks like being clingy or insecure in romantic relationships and ultimately behave in ways that they hope actively force connection. Oftentimes, while attempting to seek connection, they are actually pushing their partners away and getting more of what they don’t want.

The good news is that there are ways that shift this interaction! You can use these behaviors in an intentional way and talk about connection in such a way that it will work with you rather than against you. Stay with me for the next few weeks as we dig in further to the withdrawer role, the ways that fears motivate us and ultimately how to overcome this habitual way of responding!

If anything in this resonates with you and you want to work more in depth around your pursuing behaviors and how it impacts your life, click the button below to get in touch!