So you’re thinking about getting married

So you’re thinking about considering getting married (if this sentence doesn’t make sense to you, check out the cycle of change here).

Congratulations! That’s a huge life decision! I imagine you haven’t come to this consideration lightly. I imagine you’ve thought long and hard and that you love your partner very much.

Have you ever wondered if you totally thought it through though? Are you wondering, is loving one another enough?

Love is a lot. Along with trust, respect, and commitment. Love is not always everything.

There are a number of things you want to make sure you and your partner have discussed and explored (and hopefully came to a consensus about) prior to making the decision to share your lives together.

*As a quick disclaimer, I mention marriage specifically because it is legally binding, but these same principles can be applied to the decision to be in any long-term committed relationship, so even if you don’t believe in marriage, if you’re choosing to spend your life with someone these same things apply.*

The goal of having these conversations is not always necessarily complete agreement or complete sameness (although that may be a result) but rather a complete understanding of where your partner stands on these issues, how it might play out in your relationship, and where you might need help managing differences.

It’s important to have these conversations for a number of reasons. First, it allows you to have a better understanding of your partner and a shared vision and blueprint for what your future together looks like. Second, and this is what makes a lot of people shy away from these discussions, there are things you are simply not aligned on that are non-negotiables for you. By having these discussions and having this full understanding of your partner, you have this information up front and you are both able to leave your relationship and find new partners who may be a better long-term fit for you.

This can be really hard if you’ve reached this point where you’re considering having your current partner become your life partner. The difficulty does not make them any less essential to have.

At this point you may be wondering what topics I’m talking about. We’ll do a deeper dive into each of these, but generally the discussions to have prior to deciding to be in a long-term committed relationship are around the following topics:

·        Money

·        Children/pets/family planning

·        Conflict resolution

·        Infidelity

·        Deal breakers

·        Religion/values

·        Past issues

·        Future goals

·        Sex

The good news is that, if these are hard topics or you find yourself getting stuck or nervous, you don’t have to have these conversations by yourself! This is a really great opportunity for couples counseling or premarital counseling.  There’s a common misconception that you have to have already been married for a number of years to benefit from couples counseling and that could not be further from the truth. A huge component of couples counseling is ensuring that your relationship is starting out from a solid foundation. These are foundational things.

If you’re in New York and you’re hitting a wall with these topics, hit the button below and send me a message. We’ll set up some time to talk about I can help you through these!