Talking About Money Before Marriage

When you’re thinking about getting married or committing to a life partner one of the topics that you might want to discuss before taking that plunge is money.

Yep, super fun, I know.

Money is attached to a lot of feelings, beliefs, and fears for many people and it’s a tough thing to talk about. The money conversations to have with your partner have a range and can be thought of like a spectrum.

At the somewhat easier end, have a discussion around your relationship with money. Do you tend to be a spender? How about a saver? What do you feel like that’s connected to in your life? Maybe you save because you remember there often being fights about money in your family growing up and you don’t want to have those fights. Or maybe you equate having money in the bank with security and stability and that’s something that’s important to you. For my spenders, maybe you spend because it feels good. Maybe there wasn’t a lot of extra money for you growing up and now that you have it, it feels good to be able to buy something new. Perhaps spending and spending on others is a way that you show your love. Neither of these are inherently good or bad, but it’s important to know where your partner stands and why.

Moving further through the spectrum, another money focused conversation may be, when we some form of combined finances (even if that’s just sharing in bill paying), how much money are we comfortable with our partner spending without talking about it? Again, there’s no perfect amount here, but I have found time and time again that every couple has some kind of threshold before they feel that there should be some sort of discussion around that amount of money being spent (on whatever) before it leaves the bank account and impacts the budget.

Down one step further, what assets do you each have? Keeping money hidden and separate in a healthy relationship can definitely rock the boat if it comes to light later that you have several thousand (or more) in savings in an offshore account that you never told your partner about and that they have no access to. And that rockiness rarely stops at just feelings about money but can connect to feelings about safety, trust, and confidence in the relationship.

One step further, what kinds of debt do you have? This is a tough one for a lot of people because for many, debt feels shameful or like a burden. Your partner does need to know what kind of debt you have if you’re looking to have a long term committed relationship. Whether it’s credit card, student loan, car payments, business debt, a mortgage, it’s important to talk about openly and talk openly about the feelings that are attached to it. Maybe you’re feeling really confident in your repayment plan, SHARE THAT! Maybe you’re really scared that it could change the way your partner sees you, SHARE THAT TOO! As a partnership, you guys can be the biggest source of support for your partner and because money and debt specifically can be a big stressor, it’s imperative that you both have the full picture of what your shared finances look like.

Furthest down the spectrum is the conversation around how you guys do or do not want to combine your finances. I put this furthest on the spectrum because it can come with some strong feelings around independence and the decision around this can be informed by the conversations had above. There’s no hard and fast rule though about what order you should have these in. As long as you’re making informed choices. Maybe this is an easy one for both of you, you both want to combine everything, or you both want to keep everything very separate and each take on specific expenses. There’s no right or wrong answer. For many this isn’t quite as simple. How money is considered for example, even if the accounts are separate, do we consider our money as the combined pot? Or is it so separate that each partner’s fun money is contingent on what they specifically and individually bring in and what is leftover after expenses and savings goals?

This is certainly not an exhaustive list and I would love for you guys to share what other kind of money conversations you found yourself having before committing to a partner! Management of money is one of the top fights that couples have time and time again, having some of these conversations up front can save you so much heartache later.

If you’re struggling with these conversations, this is a great topic for couples counseling! If you’re in New York and want a safe space to process through these conversations and the feelings that come up attached to them, hit the button below or give me a call and let’s get you set up with an appointment!