Turning Toward Bids For Connection
As you may remember from our overview a few weeks ago, the third floor of the Sound Relationship House is turning toward emotional bids instead of turning away.
If you’re not in the relationship therapy or education space, that previous sentence may sound like Martian to you and that’s okay! We’re going to break this down.
First, what is an emotional bid? An emotional bid is any movement or attempt from a partner toward their partner for attention, affection, connection, or any other positive experience. We put bids out into the world All. The. Time. Some of them are overt (a smile, a wink, laying in your partner’s lap literally saying “PAY ATTENTION TO ME!”, dancing in front of you until you look up [Also, if any of you are readers of Catana Comics, they do a great job of illustrating emotional bids throughout their comics].
Other bids for connection are not necessarily covert, but they do tend to be buried. This can look like the partner who asks for help with something that they know their partner is an expert in. This can look like a partner asking for advice. Directly from the Gottmans, bids tend to fall into the following categories:
Pay Attention to What I Say
Respond to Simple Requests
Help or Work With Me
Show Interest or Active Excitement in My Accomplishments
Answer My Questions or Requests for Information
Chat With Me
Share the Events of Your Day with Me
Respond to My Joke
Help Me De-Stress
Help Me Problem-Solve
Be Affectionate
Play With Me
Join Me in An Adventure
Join Me in Learning Something
Some of you may be thinking at this point that turning toward is to follow your partner or acquiesce to your partner’s every bid. No. That’s not what we’re talking about. Turning toward is to recognize the bids as they come up and to acknowledge them. Turning away is not to say “no” to the bid but to actually just let it pass you by. This has the power to be incredibly damaging. Saying “no” or rejecting a if you’re worked with me in any capacity), you know that feeling seen and valued is invaluable. When a bid is missed, or a partner has turned away, the message (intentional or not) becomes that you don’t care. This can then result in fewer bids being put out there which can lead to disconnection, resentment, frustration, and ultimately, dissatisfaction.
Given that you’re both humans and you’re apt to get distracted or make mistakes, let’s talk about the actual impact of turning toward bids. You’ve likely all heard that 50% of marriages end in divorce. In a longitudinal study conducted by the Gottman Institute, newly-weds were interviewed and then followed up with after 6 years. Those that remained married demonstrated being able to turn toward their partner’s emotional bids 86% of the time. Those that were divorced by that point only reported being able to turn toward their partner’s emotional bids 33% of the time. It’s a tall ask, but it does not ask perfection of you. It asks that you pay attention.
If you struggle with noticing bids for connection and you’re in New York, give me a call. Let’s get you back on track.