Understanding the Withdrawer
Over the past couple of weeks, we’ve dug into interactional cycles and the different roles that play into the pursuer/withdrawer dynamic. Last week we dug into pursuing and what makes a pursuer, this week we’re working on the flip side and exploring what makes a distancer.
Why is this important? As stated last week, 85% of distressed couples fall into one of these two roles (the other 15% fall into a pursuer/pursuer or withdrawer/withdrawer dynamic). So that’s a lot of couples that at some point are experiencing this dynamic, which makes for a ton of partners who fall into the distancer or withdrawer category.
What does a distancer or withdrawer look like?
Withdrawers are perceived as:
· Seeking autonomy
· Isolating
· Quiet
· Uncaring
· Acting like they don’t need anything from
others
· Less proactive in problem solving
· Aloof
· Emotionally unavailable
· Workaholics
Eek. That doesn’t sound good, does it? And oftentimes, like pursuers, distancers and withdrawers do not align in their thoughts and feelings with the way that they are perceived.
So why does this happen? What makes a withdrawer withdraw?
The simple answer is: seeking safety
For people who tend to withdraw, this behavior is amplified when they are feeling pursued. A withdrawer will oftentimes hear a pursuer’s complaints or concerns as a sign of having failed them and to a distancer or withdrawer failure is a huge fear. Withdrawing and turning inward allows the distancer an opportunity to turn away from conflict and create the space to keep themselves safe from that giant fear. Those with withdraw, in seeking safety and avoiding failure, also tend to have a low distress tolerance and thus have a very low tolerance for conflict. Rather than facing it head on, they may intensify their work or hobbies outside of their relationship.
Additionally, turning inward is also the way that withdrawers tend to self soothe. This is born out of *attachment* (like everything else lately!). Those who withdraw or distance, unlike pursuers, tend to have an avoidant attachment style. You can get a refresher on the avoidant attachment styles here and here . Those who have a dismissive avoidant attachment style, most typically, as a baby and young child, had a primary caregiver who was unavailable to them. This may have occurred either emotionally or physically, showing as either being emotionally withdrawn or physically absent when the child was distressed. Those who have fearful avoidant attachment style often experienced trauma, abuse, or loss in early childhood and did not have their needs met.
How does that attachment style translate into withdrawing? The important people in my life were unable or unwilling to meet my needs, so I have to meet my needs. This becomes a very generalized feelings and plays out as withdrawing in romantic relationships (my partner cannot or will not meet my needs anyway so I will turn inward and self-soothe). This is incredibly adaptive in infancy and early childhood and also not optimal for romantic relationships.
Like pursers, distancers also need intimacy and connection and like pursuers, their habitual way of responding (withdrawing) gets them a lot more of what they do not want (disconnection and lack of intimacy).
The good news is that there are ways that shift this interaction! You can raise your distress tolerance! You and your partner can utilize time and space in a way that allows for self-soothing while also not isolating and freezing out your partner. Stay with me for the next few weeks as we dig further into the ways that fears motivate us and ultimately how to overcome this habitual way of responding!
If anything in this resonates with you and you want to work more in depth around your withdrawing behaviors and how it impacts your life, click the button below to get in touch!