Conflict VS Combat
For years, I’ve had couples tell me that they don’t like conflict and that they feel like conflict tears their relationship apart.
Upon further conversation and exploration, it becomes clear that it’s not conflict that they fear, it’s combat. While they sound similar and both root in disagreement, it’s important to note that these are NOT the same thing!
Hallmarks of conflict:
· Disagreement
· Surrounds behaviors not the core of a person
· Involves discussion, listening to understand, and careful response
· Assumes positive intention
· Remains supportive and collaborative
Hallmarks of combat:
· Disagreement
· Roots into who a person is at their core
· Involves listening to react, case building, and barbs
· Assumes negative intention
· Puts partners in oppositional positions-poising the other as the “enemy”
See? SO different! Conflict is an unavoidable part of life. Any time you put more than one person in a room (and even sometimes with just one person in a room, inner conflict is a real thing), you have the opportunity for conflict. Being independent people guarantees that you won’t align all the time on every behavior or decision.
How can you keep conflict from sliding into combat?
· SLOW DOWN
· Be kind to one another
· Use “I” statements
· Listen to understand your partner’s point of view
· Take responsibility where there is space to take responsibility
· Remember that you love the person across from you.
· Remember that if one of you “wins” you both lose.
If this is something that you and your partner struggle with, bring in a professional! There area number of people out there who are trained in conflict resolution and would be happy to help you examine the vulnerable feelings that come up around conflict and help you build skills to keep conflict from turning into combat.
If you’re in New York, I would be happy to be this person for you! Click the button below and let’s get the conversation started.