Stonewalling

Stonewalling is the third of Gottman’s Four Horsemen then we’re going to explore. Stonewalling is an aptly named response that shows up in interactions as the silent treatment, withdrawing, shutting down, and the putting up of emotional walls. Essentially, one behaves as a stone wall in response to their partner.

Oftentimes stonewalling results from emotional flooding resulting from Criticism, Defensiveness, and the one we haven’t yet explored, Contempt. It’s a way of attempting to psychologically protect oneself and, in many ways, numb oneself from the impact of those other three horsemen. In a vacuum, it makes sense and is an incredibly adaptive response. In a relationship, it is a great example of turning away that creates disconnection and relationship dissatisfaction.

While stonewalling is often a response, it also invites a number of responses from others. Initially, stonewalling can invite an escalation in behavior from their partner. Speaking in terms of the horsemen, it invites escalating from problem solving, to criticism, to contempt. If the partner is moved into crisis mode, they may be desperately seeking connection, even if that connection is negative. After the initial escalation, continued stonewalling also invites reciprocal shutting down leaving both partners feeling disconnected, misunderstood, lonely, frustrated, and uncared for.

So what do you do if you find yourself falling into stonewalling your partner?

Stop and Soothe.

Now, this is certainly easier said than done and I’m not going to sugar-coat that. When things are calm with your partner, examine your patterns. Do either of you tend to fall into stonewalling? How do you disrupt the interaction and allow each of you to have a break? A good way to do this is to have a pre-agreed upon signal that you share when you’re starting to flood. This can range from silly to sincere as long as it is something you both can follow through on and respect one another through the process.

Then go and ACTUALLY TAKE SPACE. Taking space means that you’re not case building, you’re not thinking about what you’ll say when you go back in, you’re not counting down the seconds until the agreed upon time that you’ll go revisit the issue. You are taking this time to soothe.

How might you soothe yourself?

1.       Practice your grounding exercises. These include breathing techniques like box breathing and three breaths in a minute. Others include focusing on the physical sensations around you (grass under your feet, the touch of cool sheets). Or going through your five senses in the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise.

2.       Exercise or do something active. This can help displace some of the flooded energy you’re feeling and bring you back to baseline.

3.       Process your feelings artistically. Journal, listen to music, make art.

4.       Meditate or visualize calm.

When you return to the conversation later (AT LEAST 25 MINUTES but I like to give at least an hour to soothe), pay close attention to your feelings and your level of flooding. Invite listening to understand rather than listening to react. Invoke the other antidotes (slow start and responsibility taking) to keep the situation from escalating.

Meet me back here next week to explore the final and most dangerous horseman: contempt.