Can I Have It All? Do I Even Want It?

A question that many women have come across at various points in their lives (at several points but typically when the questions of if/how to balance a professional life and parenthood come up) is “Is it possible to have it all?”. Now, we could take the rest of this time to get into the misogyny of this question, but let’s humor it  today. Can we have it all? Do we even want it?

Beginning at the beginning, what does it meant to have it all? This is a way more personal answer than it has been treated in the past. “Having it all” is akin to building a life that feels fulfilling and allows you to attend to your various roles. YOU get a choice in what some of those roles are. You do NOT have to take on every role that there is, you can opt in to the ones that align with your ideal life and that feel fulfilling to you.

The messaging around Having it All has shifted drastically over the past several years. Originally, it was not a question. While women have always worked outside the home, especially in lower income families, it was not a norm or encouraged until WWII and the years following prior to this time, the expectation was for women to be fulfilled solely in roles as wives and mothers. Following WWII, the question then became, should I have it all. It all being a role inside the home and outside of the home. In more recent history, the message shifted to “you absolutely can have it all and don’t let anyone stop you” and even more recently “not only can you have it all but you should opt to do all things and make it look easy”. All iterations of this question have the ability to be damaging because all suggest that there is a “right” way and a “wrong” way to structure your life.

You get to define your own life. That includes defining for yourself what makes sense structure wise and what roles you want to put more attention and resources (emotional and otherwise) into. There is no right or wrong answer. There will always be someone who would make a different decision than you, and those people do not have to live your life. And while, sometimes situations beyond our control dictate the timeline in which we can create the life that we want (for example, desiring being a stay at home mom, and also needing the income from your job, or on the flip side, feeling drawn to entrepreneurship and having young children who depend on your for their every need), but the roles that are important to YOU get to be the ones you emphasize.  

This brings me to an idea I was introduced to several years ago. A wise woman said to me, you can absolutely have it all, and you may not be able to have it all at the same time. This blew my mind at the time. So many decisions feel desperately pressing and as though they will determine your path for the rest of your life. In reality, life has seasons. In my work we talk a lot about these seasons, seasons to strive to reach that next rung at work, seasons to focus on identities outside of the professional, seasons to focus on home life, seasons to rest. In being intentional about these seasons, you can shift the attention that you’re giving to each role that is important to you without having to give everything 100% of you 100% of the time.

              You do not have to have it all in the traditional sense of being a parent and having a career outside the home. There is no moral superiority to doing both or doing one, or doing neither. You get to be the architect of your own life and for any given person, having it all, is much more connected to building a life that feels fulfilling and aligned with your values and vision and you can change course whenever you want. If you’re struggling with this and you’re in the tri-state area, click the button below and let’s have a conversation.