I’m Afraid to Put Myself First

Working with women as long as I have, there are some things that come up over and over again and seem to be trends. One of these is difficulty or fear for women of putting themselves first.  Now, this most commonly gets spoken about as women enter into motherhood, however, I’ve worked with women of all ages and differing parental status and the reluctance to put themselves first is equal opportunity. (this is also not to say that men can’t or don’t experience this, but the reasoning that men may experience this may be different). The primary driving force that keeps women from attending to their wants and needs is socialization. For generations, young girls have been given implicit (and sometimes explicit) messaging that to be a woman is to be nurturing and to be nurturing is to put your loved ones ahead of you. This then lends itself to value and worth statements that create potentially limiting beliefs.

       The primary reason that I’ve heard countless women give for not putting themselves first is that they do not have the time, time is then commodified into a limited resource that spending on oneself feels “wrong”. The potential value statement is that others are more worthy of your time or resources. The message you’re reinforcing within yourself is that you are only worthy of leftover resources, including time. Now, I’m not going to pretend that time is an unlimited resource, however, much of the time, there is plenty of time for everyone to have their needs met, INCLUDING YOU. What ends up happening is that others are being given well beyond their needs leaving you foregoing your needs. And truly, there are probably enough time resources for everyone to have all of their needs and some of their wants met.

The second most common reason I’m given for the fear of putting oneself first is that it feels “selfish” and that being selfish is “wrong”. I get this. We’re told from childhood to consider others, consider their feelings, to share, lots of really good skills to develop to keep society moving and communal. Not great when coupled with the nurturing messages and the time messages that then say “to think of my needs means that I’m taking away from someone else and that goes against what it means to be a nurturing woman in the world”. The additional message that this sends is that, as a woman in the world, to even acknowledge that you have needs is to be bad. This has the ability to strip you of your own humanity.

I have not met a person yet who hasn’t had a need or want. That is part of the human condition. We have needs, we have desires, we seek purpose. There is value in putting yourself first to ensure that your needs and some of your wants are met. Relationally, the result of putting yourself first is invaluable. Allowing your needs and some of your wants to be met staves off resentment, helps to nurture the brain candy of novelty, and actually makes you a better nurturer. Afterall, there’s a reason that those airplane safety manuals tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. Your attending to your own needs first replenishes your emotional reserves and puts you in the most ideal situation you can be to help the others around you meet the needs that they cannot meet themselves.

So where might someone start? Because these messages have been held over the course of an entire lifetime,  it’s often easiest to start with the smallest change that creates the biggest impact. I often will look back to basic needs of all humans- food, water, shelter, sleep. Let’s start with food- and mom’s I’m looking at you- so many mothers, especially mothers of young kids, work really hard to ensure their kids have nutritious breakfasts, lunches, and dinners, while they themselves are running off of caffeine and the scraps off those kids plates. A small step that could be made here is to make enough for you too when you’re making the kids meals. Yes, even if it’s chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. You are deserving of a whole meal.

This is not as easy as it sounds to shift. Messaging connecting putting themselves first and that being a bad thing start in childhood for many women and are supported by societal beliefs and structures. AND nothing is going to change until we do. We are the society. We are charged with making the change that we need.  If you’re struggling with putting yourself first and the emotional consequences of not putting yourself first, click the button below and let’s start the conversation.