Maintaining Your Individuality in the Context of Your Relationship

When we first meet our partners, it’s so easy to dive deeply into the relationship and, to an outsider, seem to meld into a single unit. There’s a reason that those celebrity couple combo names have taken off so widely.

Over time though, maybe you start to remember the person that you used to be. Hobbies that you used to enjoy. Friends that you haven’t seen in ages. And maybe you want some of that person back, but you don’t want to sacrifice your relationship.

How do you navigate getting your individual identity back while keeping your relationship? Your “I” within your “we”?

First, we have to call this into the room of your relationship. Own your feelings. It’s important to you that you guys share time and hobbies and that you each honor your individual interests. Share with your partner how much you enjoy being with them and how much you value that time.

Second, create spaces for that for both of you. Ideally, you’ll create individual spaces, couple spaces, and family spaces (family of origin, found family, and/or your created family with your partner depending on your individual situation).

Third, decide what you want to do. What hobbies do you want to try? Is there anything from your past you want to bring back? Are there things that excite you? Follow that path. Talk about your excitement with your partner.

Make sure that when your partner is engaged in their individual time or individual hobbies that you support them. You want them to have things they enjoy beyond just you. It does not mean that they do not love you or you do not love them.

Understand that this does not have to be a grand gesture. You do not have to go on a solo vacation for two weeks to be making space for your interests (although you certainly can if that fits your wants and needs and is feasible). Creating space for you can be as easy as sharing physical space with your partner while you both do your own things, maybe you want to get back into reading, and maybe they want to learn the piano. You can do those things with a few minutes each day or a few hours each week.

Encourage one another. Make it easy for one another to feel good about doing something for them. Ask them about their interests and the things that they’re doing.

If you’re able to maintain these spaces, you’ll find that you start feeling more well rounded and fulfilled.