Premarital Conversations: How Do We Handle Conflict?

When you’re thinking about getting engaged or maybe you already are engaged and you’re getting ready for marriage, one of the least sexy and most necessary things to explore with your partner is:

Conflict Resolution

I know, you’ve probably had talks on this off and on since grade school, and the truth is many adults aren’t super great at managing their conflict which makes this all the more important to talk about with your partner.

By now, you’ve likely had at least one instance of conflict with your partner. Let’s go back to that experience.

What was it like for you?

How did you guys feel before, during, and after?

How were you able to talk about your feelings?

What stopped you from talking about your feelings?

Did you feel like you resolved your conflict or did you just brush the conflict aside when everyone was tired of being upset? (until it inevitably comes up again later when someone else that looks similar to that issue happens again).

Before bringing these things to your partner, it’s important to get some clarity on those above questions, and what you need when you’re facing a conflict. Then, you don’t want to blindside your partner. Tell them you want to talk about the ways that you argue (NOT about the actual content of your most recent argument. We’re not rehashing arguments here, we’re talking about process).

Set aside time where you’re not tempted to simultaneously scroll through your phone or watch a tv show. Give each other your full attention.

Start strong, what works for you guys? What has felt really good? Is it taking the time after an argument to reestablish closeness? Is it being given a few minutes in the midst of conflict to bring yourself back down to your baseline? Is there someone that your partner does that you find really helpful in keeping conflict from escalating?

Then dig into what doesn’t work so well. Maybe you need to feel reconnected and when you’re partner is taking space and you don’t know when they’ll come back- that’s anxiety provoking for you? Is there a way you can make a predictable experience around how much time is generally needed? Maybe it’s feeling like it’s not okay to take space. Can you create a predictable way take space where you’re not pursued?

For couples who don’t experience chronic conflict, some of this comes reasonably easily. For those who may experience more frequent or more escalated conflict, this may be a great opportunity to bring in a professional.

Chronic conflict does not mean that you’re doomed or shouldn’t get married. It is something that you’re going to want to get a handle on.

If you’re in New York and finding that you’re struggling with this, click the button below or give me a call and let’s set up some time to talk. I can help you process the feelings that come with conflict and create concrete strategies to tackle this in the future.