Premarital Conversations- What do we think about infidelity?

Oof, last week when I said conflict resolution was the least sexy premarital conversation, I might have jumped the gun. I’ve worked with so many couples and there are many who are recovering from infidelity.

In 70% of those couples, at least five minutes have been spent with couples in the room arguing about whether the incident “counted” as infidelity or not.

This conversation is to cut that off at the knees.

Now, the basic tenant of this conversation is: what are the boundaries that we want around our relationship? What level of intimacy, both physical or emotional, are we comfortable with having or our partner having with others?

For some couples this conversation can be very straight forward. Maybe you want to be completely monogamous, you’re not comfortable with opening up your relationship at all, sexually or otherwise, or even visiting that idea, and then your conversation will revolve more around friendships and how you guys create boundaries around friendships vs romantic relationship and identify where the lines are that cannot be crossed for both partners to feel comfortable, cared for, and valued.

For others, this can be a little more involved and requires a bit more communication and clarity around these desires and expectations.

For example, some couples decide they want an open marriage and this can take many different forms ranging from one or each partner having additional sexual partners, to one or each partner having full relationships with other partners in addition to the partner they’ve chosen to marry, to both partners bringing in additional partners into their marriage together (either sexually, or both sexually and emotionally).

If you decide that you want anything other than a monogamous relationship, I definitely recommend you check out resources like The Ethical Slut by Janet W Hardy and Dossie Easton to get a clearer picture on what would be a good idea to be sussed out and discussed outright between the two of you prior to opening up your relationship.

Having these conversations from the outset can help mitigate considerable heartache later. It’s important that your partner know where you stand here currently and what you are open or not open to in the future. 

IF you find that you’re mis-matched in what you’re comfortable with or open to regarding the boundaries of your relationship or if you find that you keep running into difficulties, definitely enlist professional help! This can be a hard thing to talk about and explore and, let’s be honest, while open relationships are on the rise, they’re often not talked about and it can be hard to feel comfortable being open about thoughts, ideas, or visions that you have that may differ from monogamy. It is the perfect thing to talk about in couples therapy and get comfortable having more vulnerable conversations! If you’re in New York, I would be happy to help. Click the button below and let’s have a chat.