Pre-Marital Conversations: Kids and Pets

Before you get married or commit your life to someone, it’s wise to know where they stand on kids, pets, and forming a family.

For many people, forming a family (in whatever way that looks) aligns with their values and life goals and it can be a tough thing to feel like you’re giving up. When I talk about forming a family, I’m not just talking about kids. For some people, upon getting married or committing themselves, they have created all the family that they want. They are a whole family of two. For others, having kids is what defines having a family for them. For still another faction of the world, having pets but not human children is what they envision when they think of their family.

None of these is a more or less valid form of family than any of the others, but just like talking about other facets of your life, knowing where your partner stands up front can mitigate a lot of heartache later on in your relationship.

So where should you start? The base level conversation here is what does your partner envision or want when it comes to a family and what do you envision.

Within that conversation there are other sub conversations.  

For someone who does not want children, in order to know more about your partner’s internal world, it may be valuable to talk to them about how they came to that decision. Oftentimes these choices and decisions are not made lightly.

For those who are interested in being a family of two humans plus pets- how many pets do you want? What KIND of pets do you want? (one of you may be all about the furry friends (dogs, cats, bunnies, hamsters, etc while the other of you may be all about the reptiles and amphibians, THIS IS IMPORTANT TO KNOW!) Do you have strong feelings about adopting an animal versus contacting a breeder? Any allergies that would make this difficult? What do you feel pets add to your life?

And finally, those of you who are interested in having children. How many children are you interested in having? How soon do you want them? Are you flexible on any of this? Do you have any known medical conditions that might make this difficult to happen biologically? Do you have any feelings on fertility treatments, surrogates, egg donors, sperm donors,  being foster parents, domestic adoption, or international adoption?

There’s room within all of these conversations for them to be easier or more difficult. Oftentimes, when you’re aligned on part of the conversation (for example, having children at all), deciding how many and how you’re interested in having them can be a bit of an easier conversation because you feel like you’re working on creating a shared vision for a shared goal.

For those who find that they’re not aligned, these conversations become much harder and take quite a bit more internal work and self-awareness. How many of these things are non-negotiables for you? What do you feel you can actually adjust on? Most importantly, what do you know you cannot compromise on? I find many times, in order to preserve the relationship in the moment, partners will tell one another what they think they want to hear or agree and think that their partner will change their mind later. This is a dangerous game to play and often lead to hurt, heartache, and resentment.

If you’ve broached these topics and you feel like you cannot get through them or they’re too hard to face on your own, or often lead to an argument, a skilled couples therapist can be a great resource for you to help you find ways to feel safe and supported and to walk through these topics to whatever outcome comes next.

If you’re in New York, I would be glad to be that person for you. Give me a call or click the button below and let’s get started.