I Think I Might Be a People Pleaser
Many of us are taught from a young age to be “good”. Good isn’t really well defined but from watching everyone around you and knowing what gets you in trouble as a kid, you can distill being good down to not making anyone upset. This is a massive simplification and can take a person in a thousand different directions. One such direction is the development of people pleasing behavior.
What is people pleasing? People pleasing is an extreme version of being helpful and go-with the flow. The behaviors that make up people pleasing are associated with a personality trait called “sociotropy”. Sociotropy is “feeling overly concerned with pleasing others and earning their approval as a way to maintain relationships” (Exline et al 2012). These behaviors can include: not being able to say no, agreeing with whomever you’re with, apologizing for things that are not your fault nor your responsibility, chameleon-ing into the groups around you, doing things that others want you to do rather than what you want to do, and avoiding conflict.
Why might someone be a people pleaser? Part of it is connected to that aforementioned personality trait, sociotropy. Other reasons include feeling like the ability to please others is what is most valued or highly prized about you, therefore to be of value to others, you must keep yourself small and keep them at the forefront. For still others, the response from important connections in their life if they did not acquiesce might be unsafe and people pleasing develops as a survival skills.
What fears keep someone stuck people pleasing? Primarily, the fear that gets people trapped in a cycle of people pleasing is the fear that others will leave. That they do not have anything to offer if their needs are made known or that they will be viewed as combative or burdensome and others will not stick it out. Ultimately, the fear is that they will be alone in the world. As a being that is designed to form communities and groups, being left alone can mean the difference between surviving or not.
How would a people pleaser start to break the cycle? Start small. Pick the low-hanging fruit. Say no to something with little consequence. Assert one want with a safe person. Start looking within to see where/which behaviors burn you out the fastest and exhaust you the most- identify what boundaries around those might help you to feel better. Setting those will give you the biggest personal impact and help make it feel safer to set other boundaries. Tell your safe, trusted, loved ones that you’re trying to break this cycle so they can help you when you backslide into old behaviors.
People pleasing makes sense in a person’s context and also, it’s not necessary to live this way for the rest of your life. If you’re interested in breaking this cycle but don’t know where to start, click the button below and let’s start the conversation. We’ll look at your individual patterns, dissect how your specific people pleasing developed and what needs it is serving in you, and help you to start doing things differently.