The Perils of Achievement
As a society, we can meme-ify just about anything. In recent years, I’ve seen a number talking about how former gifted kids are now battling crippling anxiety (that may be an overstatement) and it brings up some good questions about how we treat achievement and the impact of the way that that is treated as gifted or high achieving children become adults.
So let’s talk about how we treat achievement. For children (and full disclosure this is definitely on the backdrop of the US but I think it is potentially applicable to other areas of the world) there are so many benchmarks that they are intended to meet. We organize childhood from infancy into milestones to be met and because we live in such a bigger is better or more is better society, meeting these milestones early or surpassing them sooner is celebrated. While this can be helpful with learning (positive reinforcement is helpful in shaping behavior) the other message that is being sent from immediately out of the womb is that the most celebrated thing about you is how quickly you can achieve.
This messaging can lead people to feel like their worth or their value is both housed in and measured by achievements. They are “good” if they have achieved the next benchmark. Their purpose in life to keep attaining the next rung. When we talk about “potential” there can be pressure for high achieving people to enter into misaligned careers because they feel like the only way that they can be worthy is to have a particular high powered role- or that they “owe” the world the abilities. When you’re witnessing this in other people you may see a person who is very hard on themselves when they make a mistake. You may see difficulty in owning a mistake because to admit to a mistake would not just be an error to be corrected but a hit to their being and worth as a person. The pressure surrounding this person may be palpable and also vague. For example, there may not be anyone punishing them for a bad grade, but they may not be able to let go of getting a bad grade.
Because our social structure creates such a prescribed path until around age 18, high achieving people may struggle or enter into an internal crisis when that measuring stick goes away and the achievements become less clear. This untethering may be a result of not having developed passions or enjoyment for enjoyment’s sake so when there is not a clear way to be the best or how to do it right and you’re left in the quiet of building a life that feels good and like a right fit, they’re stunted. And, as explored in the paragraphs above, facing being stunted in an area is an attack on their being and value as a person. You can see how this becomes a cycle of pressure, anxiety, discomfort, and shame.
Now what? In thinking about prevention and recovery it’s important for those who have access to children to diversify the things that you celebrate in those children. Rather than focusing just on the achievement or the tangible ending, talk about process and how their brains are working. Give attention to mistakes that are made in addition to the achievements without punishment or shame. Allow space for enjoyment and celebrate trying new things. Emphasize the importance of having parts of their life that they just get to have fun with rather than needing to be the best at. Encourage messiness and teaching how to clean up mess or making a mistake and repairing that mistake to allow equal value to be placed on achievement and owning errors. If you are an adult who was a high achieving child and are struggling with this, start small, pick a safe place to be bad at something and start to learn that people will still love you and still value you and want to be your friend even when you’re not good at something. Start picking some things to love about yourself that are not related to how good you are at it. Start to fill in the gaps between achievements and allow yourself to be a whole person.
If you’re trapped in the high achieving, pressure, anxiety, self-worth loop, working with a skilled therapist can be helpful and breaking you out of the cycle and help you to access the other parts of yourself. You are more than the sum of your achievements and I promise you, those things are likely the least interesting thing about you. If you’re struggling with this and you’re in New York, New Jersey, or Connecticut, click the button below and let’s have a conversation.