Pre-Marital Conversations: Deal Breakers
When you’re thinking of getting married or making a lifelong commitment, it’s really important to be honest with yourself about your dealbreakers.
While many things that people consider to be make or break issues are encompassed in the conversations we’ve already described and will continue to describe in the coming weeks, there are also things that come up for individuals based on their own vision for their future and the life that they want to build.
Examples of things that may come up as dealbreakers include:
-how you spend your time including how much time you want to focus on your individual pursuits and how much time you spend together
-level of communication when you’re not together
-political affiliation
-level of shared interests
-family relationships
This list could go on and on and the examples could be as varied as there are people in the world. The important thing, at the point where you’re thinking about sharing your life, is to be honest with yourself about what your dealbreakers are. Typically, by this point, you have a decent idea of who your partner is and hopefully have an idea of how much they engage or identify with things that are dealbreakers for you.
There are countless people who have ignored their internal warning messages about their dealbreakers in favor of getting married because they’re operating on some internal timeline, they feel they have already sunk in so much time in the relationship and don’t want to start over, or are convinced that when they are married, it will be different. This often leads to resentment, heartache, and disconnection.
SO what do you do?
You have a few options.
The first thing is to do some self reflection around why you are in this relationship and why you’re thinking of marriage. Is it because you genuinely love this partner and feel like you guys will have a connected, loving, enjoyable life? Or is it due to other unrelated internal or external pressures and this partner just happens to be who is in front of you? This should help you tease out what are actual dealbreakers for you and if you should even be at this stage of thinking about getting married.
The second thing is to talk about it. There may be things that your partner is doing or identifying with that they don’t realize are dealbreakers for you and that they’re not committed to continuing. In conversation (CONVERSATION, not ultimatums), bringing up things that are important to you and things that you need in your relationship allow you and your partner to know more about one another’s internal world and make a choice about if either partner can compromise on these issues.
The third thing is to decide if you can move forward. This is where it is crucial to be honest with yourself. If you’ve engaged in the self reflection and feel like you’re joining your life based on the relationship that you have, and you’re unable to compromise on things that you determine are dealbreakers for you, as painful as it may be, the best choice may be to not get married and to allow both you and your partner to find partners who may be better long term fits for one another.
This can be a tough thing to confront. If you’re in any of these positions or are struggling with any of these steps, I highly recommend individual and couples therapy. Individual therapy can be so helpful with figuring out where you stand in step 1. Steps two and three can be really helped by working with a skilled therapist and having a safe space with focused attention to have these conversations without blame, criticism, or defensiveness. If you find yourself in step three, it may also be beneficial to have individual support as you navigate where you go from here.
If you’re in New York and you’re having a hard time with any of the above stages, give me a call. I would be glad to help.