Premarital Conversations: Religion

Welcome back to our series on Things to Consider When Considering Marriage!

This week we’re diving into the consideration of religion.

Faith and religion are deeply personal and you may be wondering why this needs to be listed in the series of premarital conversations. Well, religion encompasses all kinds of things! For many people traditions, customs, culture, and values are informed by their religious background—even if they’re not particularly devout.

Now, it’s important that we pause here, and I want you to really hear me when I say this, INTERFAITH MARRIAGES CAN ABSOLUTELY WORK. Nothing in here is to suggest that you should avoid an interfaith marriage or that interfaith marriages are doomed.  What IS here is that interfaith marriages, or even inter-sect or inter-denominational marriages and relationships may take an added layer of discussion, understanding, respect, and compromise on the parts of the partners.

Now that we have that out of the way…

Before you get married, it’s important to take stock of you faith and any related culture, customs, and values (if you’re atheist or agnostic, you’re not off the hook here, what role do those beliefs play in your life?) . What role does this play in your life? What life have you envisioned? Does it include aspects of any of this?

How important is it to you that your partner share your very same faith?

For some people, that’s a huge sticking point and for them to feel loved, connected, and as though they’re engaging with their religion in the way they believe it should be practiced, it’s imperative for them that their partner share these beliefs. If you feel this way, most of the time you have a pretty good idea when you’re even entering a dating relationship and have likely self-selected a partner who you already know shares your faith. Even for those that share the same faith though, there can be conversations and compromise around HOW those practices are practiced. What traditions do you honor? How do you honor them? Are there particular customs or values that are common to your faith that you don’t subscribe to? Or that may be of even MORE importance to you?

For others, their partner’s sharing their faith is less important and what is more important is that they feel comfortable and respected in practicing their faith in the way that they want. This is the pairing that probably takes the most compromise and planning. How do you want to manage holidays? Are there specific weekly/monthly/yearly experiences, events, or practices that you engage in? How can your partner support you in this? How can you support your partner in their journey? If you’re planning to have kids, how does this extend to them? How will you share both of your beliefs and customs with your children?

For still others, religion is not something they’re particularly involved in or something that’s not of particular importance to them. For these couples, the conversation ends up being around their own values and personal codes of ethics. How do these align with your partner’s?

If you’re struggling with how to navigate melding your beliefs into one household, bring in help. There are plenty of therapists out there who specialize in interfaith relationships or multicultural relationships. Give me a call, I would be happy to help and, if I can’t help, point you in the direction of someone who can.