Premarital Conversations: Past Issues

This week we’re digging into dealing with past issues.

Before you enter into a lifetime commitment, you’ve got to deal with your past issues. A marriage isn’t going to magically fix everything in your relationship; you’ve got to put the work in to deal with stuff from the past otherwise it’s going to inevitably come back up.

Some of these past issues may deal with the topics we’ve already covered. In that case, you already have the start of a blueprint for how to start having these conversations. For others of you, it may look a little bit different.

Maybe it involved issues with your families.

Maybe in involves your own feelings about trust and confidence in your partner.

Maybe it comes down to not feeling able to communicate needs.

It could be any number of things that have happened over the course of a relationship.

What should you do about this?

First, if the issue has never been broached, you’ve got to bring it up. I have worked with many couples for whom conflict or the idea of conflict is deeply uncomfortable and issues happen and never get actually dealt with. The most often heard phrase around these situations is that they are “swept under the rug”.

Well, we’re not hiding our dirt anymore so set aside some time when you both have the emotional reserves to have a hard conversation and shake it out.

Use compassion. Avoid blaming. Use “I” statements (you know the ones…)

Second, express how these past issues have remained with you and what they bring up in your relationship. Address how you feel and how you have felt.

Three, remember that your partner is not trying to piss you off. Neither of you woke up this morning and thought “Hmmm…how can I make my partner feel invalidated, unseen, and un-cared for today?”. Assume positive intention.

Four, create a vision for the way forward. Talk about what creates safety between you and what rebuilds trust.

Now, like many of these conversations and things to broach, you may find yourself in a situation where you are getting stuck as a couple and you’re having a hard time resisting the urge to not just put the issue back under the rug where it can sit for the rest of your lives. In these situations, I strongly encourage you to bring in a professional. We utilize professionals for SO many areas of our lives and this is no different. For those of you who may be feelings like it doesn’t feel like “enough” for therapy, do it anyway. I guarantee you that your therapist does not think the issue is too small. Also, as a reminder, going to therapy for one issue or one category of issues does not mean that you’ll be in therapy forever (unless you want to be). Many therapists want you to be living the life that you want and are happy to help get you moving in that direction and then have you fly and try it out on your own.