Relationship Abuse

This week’s topic, and the topic we’re diving deep into for the next several weeks, is not a pleasant one.

We’re going to be digging into what abuse in relationship looks like and how it can happen in ways that are insidious and potentially covert. We’re going to be talking about the things that we don’t normally talk about. For some this information may be deeply troubling and I ask that you understand your own triggers before proceeding this week and in the weeks to come and, if you choose to proceed, ensure that you’re taking care of yourself and giving yourself time and space to process any feelings that come up.

I’ve had many clients, both men and women, who have experienced abuse in either their current or previous relationships and never once realized it because as a society we have decided that we’re comfortable with abuse having one definition and unless you’re being beaten, then these behaviors are not readily described as abuse.

Truthfully, the literature acknowledges at least six categories of abuse and we’re going to give each category it’s own week. It’s important that we actually explore these and identify the behaviors that are connected with each category.

This is information that can save your life or the life of someone you love.

This can also serve to call out your own behavior. Just because you’re not beating your partner up does not mean that you’re not potentially abusing them. And that’s not okay.

To give a preview of the weeks to come, the six categories of abuse are as follows:

·        Physical

·        Sexual

·        Verbal/emotional

·        Mental/psychological

·        Financial/economic

·        Cultural/identity

I have a feeling that some of these are going to be surprising to you.

And some of them will give you language for behaviors that maybe you’ve seen in the past that made you feel uneasy but that you didn’t know were actually abuse and didn’t know how to talk about them either with your partner or maybe with anyone. My goal for the next six weeks is to give you a baseline of information for each of these categories and to give you the language to talk about them and to create boundaries around them if not escape them altogether.

Before we get into the different types, I think it’s important that we discuss the cycle of abuse. This can pertain to all of the above mentioned types.

The cycle of abuse has four stages.

Stage 1- Tension Building – Partners feel the tension between them increasing. The victim may find themselves becoming fearful and, in turn, begin placating their abuser. There is an overall breakdown of communication.

Stage 2- Incident- This is where the above mentioned abuses come in. It can encompass any of the above types, anger, blame, arguing, threats and intimidation.

Stage 3- Reconciliation – This is the time when abuses tend to apologize profusely and promise the world. They may give excuses or blame the victim, deny that the abuse occurred, or try to rationalize that the incident was not as bad as the victim thinks.

Stage 4- Calm – Here the incident is “forgotten” and no abuse is taking place. The “honeymoon” phase returns and abuses may lavish their victim with gifts, vacations, or other grand gestures.  

This week, talk to me below about any questions that you have about different types of abuse and the ways that they show up. Also please share any resources you have for victims of abuse!