Letting Go of Toxic Relationships
“Toxic” relationships and “toxic” people have become so buzzy, but what does it really meant to have a toxic relationship or toxic friendship? What does it take to let those go? WHY should you let those go?
This week we’re tackling this concept. Similar to “self-care” and “triggered”, the concept of toxic relationships has been taken over by popular culture and has lost so much of its true meaning. While you may now find anyone or anything that does not agree with you or yes you to death labeled “toxic”, that’s not exactly what it was intended to encompass. Rather, toxic people or toxic relationships were originally intended to describe relationships (romantic, familial, and platonic) that suck the life from you. These are relationships wherein the other party will not after repeated attempts accept and respect your boundaries. These are relationships wherein you revert to unhealthy habits and potentially addiction. These are relationships wherein no matter how much you have tried, you are continuing to hurt one another either intentionally or unintentionally, physically or emotionally.
Put simply, these are relationships that are not good for you.
I’ve waited a while before bringing up this concept because I have noticed that it gets misunderstood and generalized quite largely to “anyone who makes you feel bad, you should cut off”. And that’s a bit too broad for me. Not every relationship in our life is made to make us feel like the sun shines out of our ass. Sometimes we require relationships where people love us enough to hold up the mirror and show us when we are out of line. That guilt that you feel in those instances based upon your own behavior is not exactly what we’re talking about when we say that a relationship isn’t good for you. What we’re more talking about are the relationships where one or both partners are engaging in abuse of some sort and victimizing one another or hindering one another’s safety and success. When I mean safety, I’m speaking to both physical and emotional safety.
I also think it’s important to note that it may be that both you and this person are fine individually but the combination of the two of you leads to negative outcomes.
If you find yourself in a relationship like this, it’s important to be able to let it go.
And some of these are hard to let go of! They may be family members. They may be longtime friends. They may be partners that you thought you were going to be with forever. This is why this decision is not one to be taken lightly and requires careful thought and processing.
You may be asking yourself, “How can I let go of this relationship? They’re my cousin/mother/father/uncle/sibling/partner/friend.” And a good way to start thinking about this is to think about what these relationships ask of you. Are the sacrifices you’re making in your own health and well-being A. Indicative of a caring relationship? Or B. Worthwhile to keep this person in your life?
When the answer to one or both of these is “no”, you can love them very much, and you need to love yourself enough to know that you both deserve to be disentangled from this relationship.
You can tell them that you love them and that you need to step away from this relationship.
You cannot wait until you “know they’ll be okay” or “won’t hurt their feelings”. Because there is a good chance that they are going to react in some way that runs counter to what you’re hoping for. And that’s okay.
**HUGE ASTERISK HERE, IF YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR PHYSICAL SAFETY DO NOT DO THIS, I HIGHLY ENCOURAGE YOU TO SEEK OUT A CRISIS CENTER OR SHELTER TO HELP YOU NAVIGATE YOUR WAY OUT IN A WAY THAT PRESERVES YOUR SAFETY**
For the next several weeks, we’re going to be exploring abuse in relationships. Abuse takes many forms and goes above and beyond just being a “toxic” relationship. I know it can be a downer topic, but as a person in the world, I refuse to just have this information and not share it. It could save your life or the life of someone you know or care about.
If you find yourself in a toxic situation and are having trouble extricating yourself from it. Reach out below. I would love to work with you to help you develop good boundaries and help you have healthier relationships.