To Share or Not To Share?

“To share or not to share? That is the question” when we’re talking about issues in your relationship. As a therapist, a wife, and a person out in the world, I’m a firm believer that our partners cannot fill all of our needs as people. We need friend and we need community.

And it’s natural among friends that we’ll talk about things that are pertinent to our lives and sometimes, that may include our relationships. But where is the line? What boundaries should be we put in place when we’re talking about our relationships, our partners, or issues we’re dealing with?

Let’s start with things that you absolutely should talk about

·        Abuse- If you even suspect that things that are occurring in your relationship are abusive  -any type of abuse, not just physical-you should definitely be telling your support system and telling them loudly and as often as you need until you can get to a safe situation. Your friends, family, and community can help remove you from the situation and connect you with resources to keep you safe.

·        Divorce- When you are absolutely 100% getting a divorce or breaking up, you’re going to need support. Turn to your support system and mobilize them. Accept the love and refuge that they can offer.

·        When it’s new and not serious- New relationships are exciting and you want to share the exciting new people in your life with your friends and family. These conversations are typically benign or positive and don’t leave a lasting impact on your relationship.

So what should you not talk about?

Pretty much anything else that is negative or could be construed as negative.

Why?

Your friend and family are going to be staunchly pro you. When you share about the stupid argument that you just had, the annoying habits that your partner has, the irritating thing that occurred between the two of you, the weird sex thing that happened the other day, you are creating a situation in your community that only serves to divide.

Chances are that you and your partner are going to work out the issue that came up and when you’re been running your mouth to your whole support system, it’s incredibly difficult to reconnect them and help them to not see your partner through the filter that you’ve created.

When your partner realizes how much you have shared about them (or smeared them) that can also raise the discord between you unnecessarily. They may feel hurt or betrayed, taking the issue from the actual content of what happened between you to a much larger issue. You also remove the opportunity for you and your partner to work through your issues together which prevents you from building skills that you’ll need working through issues in the future. Additionally, it lowers levels of relationship satisfaction across the board.

If you find yourself unable to manage issues between you and your partner and you find yourself wanting to turn outside of your relationship over and over again, it is highly recommended that you seek professional help with a provider who specializes in relationships. They can help you develop ways of speaking with one another and managing conflict that work for you rather than against you and help you to trust your own abilities without having to turn outside of your relationship.

If you’re located in New York and you think you could benefit from this kind of help, let’s connect by clicking the button below and let’s get you guys on track.